Because everyone is a tree that is growing uniquely and wonders about the same things I've wondered about and I figured I'd share it. My story is my own, if I wrote it or if you saw what I had here before you'd think I'm angry and doing this out of spite.

 

Parts of me were really angry yes. However the bigger part of me was having a fun time exploring and learning and really enjoying what became my passion and what I wish I knew I would have as a passion while younger so I would of been able to go to school for it with a brain that still had room for it all!

 

Instead I took the time to do this on my own time and route. I surprised myself for how far I dug in and took something seriously and felt, finally...useful. Smart. Something I was never sure about or felt I was or could be.

 

I do not want to become a person that drills things into you from anger, I want to be a source of info that you can slowly sit with and digest on your own terms. Though, I do know how difficult it is to start and to know where to even start. But most of all I don't want to speed up someone's deconstruction and make them end up extremely hopeless. So, I'm setting my story aside, 1, to let go of that ego part of me that was angry, and 2 because, it's not that big of a deal. It's not that important when I see other people go through the thick of it, and I want to be on the other side of it. I don't want others to think I think I'm better than them. I want others to feel like, I might be someone that understands and wont judge them for what they're going through. I want to be good. I don't want my story to be the reason I couldn't hold onto what's good in me to help others.

 

When you read on to my other blog post, these were written at a time I had the shoes of a "bible based believer". My beliefs have changed quite a bit. I couldn't put a label on it for you and would like not to, but during this research I did honestly come from a perspective of believing this God Yahweh of the bible, and what the Messiah "said" and his apostles "documented". So I hope this helps believers who are wanting to understand what they may also be seeing in their congregations, when it differs from what they've seen here and there from their own research but don't feel smart enough, or they feel alone in this. I thought I should clear that up, because strangers may see me today, and think I'm fooling people when I say I'm not your average "Christian", but I love ancient lit, I love studying or hearing about why we "believe" in anything and the history of it and I love spirituality. Yet I understand some will see my notes under the verses or deep research and feel betrayed. This is just a record, of my research in that chapter of my life. But I also want others that may be just as passionate as I was during it, to relate to me then, but not feel scared that the rug might be pulled from underneath you.

 

And because of that I highly recommend a professional I ran into that is exactly what I wish I could be with my journey, headspace, time and sanity with my everyday life! She's awesome, has done a lot of research, and if you find yourself at where I slammed down into, she can help you lift back up with still, hope. I'll drop her below, and I do hope my research wasn't so offensive. I'm going through it all currently and re editing it so its not too crazy.

 

Her Website:

https://nononsensespirituality.com/

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I look at it as, I'm just a ghost ship in the sea of life you might find and explore to see if I have any long-lost treasure, I guess. Good luck on your journey, friends.

 

Much love,

Chels

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